On January 19th, our eyes met again. Although we both perfectly knew what that day would come, the tension in the air was more intense than ever. That huge attraction/repulsion. How bad was our starting, and how tasty was the risk to take. All relationships have that magical honeymoon period, where everything seems beautiful and every step you take is idyllic. But with time comes reality, routine, wear; and where the rope you easily walked all this time starts to tighten. I really tried. I tried for the both of us. And the connection was there, it was not only an illusion. But our natures were very different… like the sun trying to reach the moon. And when two strong personalities crash, you get the chance to know the other’s strengths, and their flaws.
I was broken. She broke me into thousands of pieces. She trampled all my dreams, my values, my hopes. Not intentionally, I know, but she did it. And it would be impossible to count how many times I fought with her. I know when she saw me the first time she totally underestimated me. The little girl with a child’s face, with that strange accent and with her hair shaved, trying to confront her. But like they say, not all books match their covers. She did not need much time to see how intense the fire inside of my soul burns. And when someone can make a strong soul feel smaller, that always make them counterattack, trying to destroy them.
Violent, selfish love. She wanted me, she wanted me selfishly, only to be hers. She didn’t know how to let people fly, so she cut their wings to tie them next to her. She made me feel insecure. She made me feel unuseful, she took from me hours of sleep making me adapt to her. She made me feel like a toy, she made me feel like I didn’t have control of my own life. I live tired, threatened, exploited and silenced. Nobody seemed to listen to me, to what I had to share. So I left her. I left Kansas. But I knew I would have to come back anyway.
We spent a month separated. Without any new contact, with any new chances. She knew I didn’t want to know anything about her, even though she knew I had to do it anyways. And the dreaded day came… but this time, I found somebody new. California was waiting for me. And with a warm sunbeam, she repaired my wings.
California is a smile the first hours in the morning as she contemplates her sunrise. She not only loves my freedom, she also encouraged me to not be afraid of taking as many risks as possible. Instead of being afraid of my strength, she embraced it allowing it to grow. California knew that letting me be free was the only way of making me fall in love with her. Because sometimes, letting the people you love fly far away is the only way to make them truly stay.
My wings spread out, my creativity flying around my whole body. And I deliver to her each one of the thoughts that get born inside my head, a necessary and reciprocal gift. And, finally, all that inspiration accumulates in my soul, running out between my fingers, creating new art every day. Her streets take in all that she has to offer me, to arrive at my new home. A place that gave me the chance to express what I have inside, where I can show what I have to offer without feeling threatened or rejected. A place where I learned how to transform thoughts into gold. Here, despite being a foreigner, an unknown little girl, I took a chance. A chance that turned into an opportunity to show what I am able to do. And for the first time in my life, I received something better than any grade. I received support. I received faith. I received the chance of dreaming big without fear of falling down.